Some days
I want to fight.
Some days
Not forever.
Just long enough
to stop answering texts,
stop returning calls,
stop carrying things
that don’t belong in my hands.
I call it zoning.
Drifting
from thought to thought,
room to room,
worry to worry.
Alone with my mind.
Alone with myself.
And maybe
this is what adulthood feels like.
Discovering that when things get hard,
you don’t always get to run.
You keep going.
Even when you’re tired.
Even when your arms ache.
Even when the little raft
keeping you afloat
gets snatched away.
And suddenly
you’re treading water again.
Trying not to drown.
Trying not to panic.
Trying not to become
the thing that’s breaking you.
Somewhere in the middle of all that,
I think of Titanic.
And I laugh.
Because apparently
my mind has a strange sense of humour.
Imagine thinking about a movie
while your life feels chaotic.
Maybe I should scream.
Maybe I should write.
Maybe I should tell someone
what’s keeping me awake at night.
Find a brother.
Find a sister.
Find someone strong enough
to help me carry the weight.
Or maybe
I keep trying to solve the puzzle alone.
So I lie here.
Unsure.
Thinking about the million things
I should be doing.
The million things
that could make life easier.
And all I want
is ease.
Not the temporary kind.
The real kind.
The kind that settles in your soul.
Maybe joy is already here
and I’m just too distracted
to see it.
Maybe I’ve spent so long
counting what’s wrong
that I’ve forgotten to notice
what’s working.
Maybe I need to stop worrying.
But how do you stop worrying
when your mind won’t sit still?
So today,
I do the only thing I know how to do.
I breathe.
I exhale.
And I keep my head
above the water
for one more day.
Tomorrow,
I’ll do it again.
With Love,
Ayo
⸻
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