Before Valentine’s: Let’s understand Love

The season of love is quietly creeping up on us again, and if you know me, you know this already:

I love love.

Year after year, I don’t retreat from it. I don’t harden. I don’t grow cynical. If anything, I lean in deeper. I genuinely, wholeheartedly love love.

And as Valentine’s Day approaches, I found myself thinking about gifting, the flowers, the gestures, the romance. But then something stopped me.

Before we talk about how we love… shouldn’t we understand what love actually is?

Love Isn’t What You Give, It’s What the Other Person Needs

One of the biggest misconceptions about love is this:

When someone says “I love you,” they often assume that loving you the way they want to love you is enough.

But it isn’t.

Love is not about what feels natural to give; it’s about what the other person actually needs to receive.

You’ll hear people say things like:

“I do so much for you.”

“I help around the house.”

“I show up.”

But what if acts of service aren’t even on that person’s priority list?

What if the thing they need most is reassurance, or affection, or intentional presence?

If you’re not giving someone the oxygen they need, you’re not loving them; you’re loving them your way, not theirs.

The Five Love Languages - A Starting Point, Not a Box

There’s a framework many of us are familiar with:

The Five Love Languages

• Words of affirmation

• Acts of service

• Physical touch

• Quality time

• Gift giving

Here’s the truth people often miss:

If you’re consistently giving a love language your partner doesn’t prioritise, and ignoring the one they do, then something will always feel off.

Love has to be received to be real.

Before Valentine’s… Look Inward

Before we talk about gifts, gestures, or grand romantic moments, I want us to pause.
Ask yourself:

• What does love mean to me?

• When someone says “I love you,” what actions make me believe it?

• If I ranked the love languages from 1 to 5, what would my list look like?

When you know what you need, you stop accepting what drains you. You stop shrinking.

You stop settling.

You stop mistaking effort for alignment.

And interestingly, when you’re clear about what you need, you tend to attract people who can actually meet it.

Already in a Relationship? Communication Is the Bridge

If you’re already with someone and you realise you’re not getting the oxygen you need, it doesn’t automatically mean failure.

It means conversation.

It sounds like:

Because unspoken needs don’t disappear.

They turn into resentment.

And resentment turns relationships into arrangements.

Roommates.

Task partners.

People performing duties without love.

My Definition of Love? Respect.

For me, love is respect.

Not control.

Not dominance.

Not even perfection.

Respect is consideration.

It’s putting yourself in my shoes before you speak.

Considering how your actions land, not just your intentions.

If you say you love me, I need to feel considered.

That, to me, is love.

So Before the Roses…

Before the chocolates.

Before the gift guides.

Before the aesthetics.

Let’s get honest about what love actually looks like for you.

Because love isn’t loud gestures alone.

It's alignment.

It's intention.

It's oxygen.

And Valentine’s should never distract us from that.

Ayo ♡