A few months ago, I wrote a blog post about at a crossroads: how to decide to keep someone or let them go.
Today, I want to talk about what happens after you’ve made that decision.
You’ve considered everything, decided a friendship or relationship is no longer good for you, and finally walked away.
Now what?
Because walking away is one thing. Learning to live without that person is another.
The Two Sides of Letting Someone Go
Sometimes, the first few weeks after letting someone go are filled with relief.
You wake up thinking, Thank God!
Thank God I have peace of mind. Thank God I’m no longer anxious. Thank God I don’t have to deal with that anymore.
But sometimes, it’s the complete opposite.
There are tears, heartbreak, and an enormous vacuum where that person used to be. You miss them terribly, even though you know walking away was the right decision.
I’ve experienced both.
I’ve walked away from someone I desperately wanted in my life, and it was devastating. I’ve also ended a friendship where my boundaries were repeatedly violated, and those first few weeks brought an incredible sense of peace.
But regardless of how you feel initially, eventually you must confront the space that person has left behind.
And what you do with that space matters.
Because sometimes, we return to relationships not because anything has changed, but simply because we miss having that person around.
We remember the wonderful moments, question our decisions, and begin making excuses for behaviours we once knew were unacceptable.
So today, I’m sharing four practical things that have helped me move forward.
1. Write Down What You Brought to the Relationship and What It Cost You
I remember ending a friendship and writing a physical list of pros and cons.
In fact, I’m looking at that very list as I write this.
But my list was slightly different.
The pros weren’t what the person brought into my life. They were what I brought into theirs.
I wrote down my contributions: the time, effort, care, intentionality, and everything I invested in the friendship.
Then I wrote down the unhealthy patterns I repeatedly experienced.
Seeing everything on paper brought me peace.
I’ve always encouraged intentional living on this blog. Intentional parenting, friendships, relationships, and decisions.
So why would I continue investing so much of myself in something that repeatedly violated my boundaries?
When we miss people, we often romanticise the relationship. We remember the laughter and wonderful conversations while conveniently forgetting the things that hurt us.
A written list helps us remember the whole picture.
My practical advice: Write down what you consistently contributed and the behaviours that made you decide to leave. Be specific, and revisit your list whenever you begin questioning your decision.
2. Recognise Their Limitations Without Making Yourself the Problem
Oh, this is a big one!
When we miss someone, we can become incredibly creative at making excuses.
Perhaps I overreacted.
Maybe I should have explained myself better.
Perhaps my standards were too high.
And before long, we’re blaming ourselves for someone else’s repeated behaviour.
I remember telling someone that there was a particular behaviour I absolutely couldn’t tolerate.
I explained that I didn’t like it, that it hurt me, and asked them not to do it again.
What I didn’t explain was the deeper reason. That behaviour reminded me of an unpleasant experience and triggered anxiety I didn’t want to revisit.
But I didn’t believe I needed to disclose every painful detail of my past to justify my boundary.
Unfortunately, it happened again.
And afterward, I caught myself wondering whether I should have explained more.
But why?
I’d communicated my boundary clearly.
There’s a difference between someone making a mistake, taking responsibility, and genuinely working towards change, and someone repeatedly doing something they’ve been told is hurtful.
We all have limitations. Recognising someone else’s limitations doesn’t mean we have to hate them.
But you can understand someone’s limitations without continually volunteering to be hurt by them.
And you don’t have to lower your standards simply because you miss someone.
3. Demote Them From Close Friend to Acquaintance
Now, this is where my approach might be slightly different.
I don’t believe everyone who leaves your inner circle must automatically become your enemy.
For me, there’s a difference between letting someone go and keeping malice.
I’ve always said something that might sound strange: if I’m deliberately keeping malice with you, chances are you still occupy some space in my heart.
I’m still emotionally invested enough to be upset.
But when I’ve genuinely moved on?
I can see you and say hello.
I can greet you, exchange pleasantries, and continue with my day.
Not because we’ve restored our friendship, but because your actions no longer have the same access to my emotions.
You’ve simply been demoted.
From close friend to acquaintance.
From someone who knew the intimate details of my life to someone I can be perfectly civil with.
And that’s okay.
You can be polite without being close. Kind without being vulnerable. Forgiving without restoring someone’s previous position in your life.
Of course, where someone’s behaviour continues to threaten your peace or safety, complete distance may be necessary.
But where civility is possible, not every ending needs to become an everlasting war.
4. Intentionally Fill the Void They’ve Left Behind
Now, this is perhaps the most important step.
When someone has occupied a significant part of your life, their absence creates space.
Maybe you spoke every morning. Maybe you shared your little victories, discussed your problems, or spent your weekends together.
Suddenly, those routines are gone.
And if you don’t intentionally rebuild your life around that absence, loneliness can tempt you to return to something you’ve already decided wasn’t good for you.
This is why I encourage people to have multiple meaningful dimensions to their lives.
I often describe myself as a multi-person.
I have my faith, my family, my business, my career, my friendships, and my personal interests.
Even when one area of my life is particularly difficult, other parts continue to give me purpose.
I still have responsibilities, things I’m passionate about, and opportunities to experience joy.
Now, I’m not suggesting you should become so busy that you avoid processing your emotions.
Please, grieve.
Cry if you need to.
Miss the person.
Acknowledge what you’ve lost.
But don’t stop living.
And please don’t rush into another relationship simply to fill the space.
Instead, rediscover yourself.
Ask yourself: Who am I without this person? What do I enjoy? What have I always wanted to try? What parts of myself have I neglected?
Then start exploring.
Take Yourself on Solo Adventures
Oh, this is one of my favourite things!
I know some people struggle with doing things alone.
I can’t go to a restaurant by myself!
What would I even do walking around alone?
Oh, my goodness!
Let me tell you something about enjoying your own company.
You begin noticing things.
You can walk as slowly as you want, spend ages browsing a shop, leave without buying anything, and wander into another.
Nobody is rushing you.
You might discover a beautiful little café, catch a sunset, or simply sit somewhere and think.
Personally, I love walking during winter.
There’s something about the cold air against my face that makes me feel incredibly inspired.
I think, reflect, and notice things I might otherwise have missed.
And I genuinely enjoy my own company.
So, if you’ve recently walked away from someone, take yourself somewhere.
Go for a walk. Visit a new place. Try something you’ve always wanted to do.
Learn to enjoy experiences without needing someone beside you.
The goal isn’t to find another person to fill the void. It’s to build a life that still feels meaningful without them.
Finally, Their Limitations Do Not Define Your Worth
I want to leave you with this.
When someone repeatedly hurts us, it’s easy to internalise their behaviour.
We begin wondering whether we were too demanding, too sensitive, or expecting too much.
But another person’s inability or unwillingness to respect your clearly communicated boundaries is not a measure of your worth.
You don’t have to make yourself smaller to accommodate behaviour that continually hurts you.
And you don’t have to return to something unhealthy simply because there were moments when it felt wonderful.
Sometimes, walking away is painful.
Sometimes, it’s liberating.
And sometimes, it’s a strange combination of both.
You can miss someone and still know that the relationship needs to end.
You can appreciate what a friendship once was without wanting to return to what it became.
And you can treasure the good memories without allowing them to erase the reasons you left.
So, if you’ve recently let someone go, give yourself permission to heal.
Remember your reasons. Recognise their limitations. Redefine their place in your life.
And most importantly, intentionally build a life you enjoy living.
Because letting go isn’t just about removing someone from your life.
It’s about learning to live fully without losing yourself in their absence.
And remember:
Their limitations do not define your worth, and you do not have to lower your standards to accommodate them.
Until next time, live intentionally.
Let’s Talk!
Have you ever walked away from a friendship or relationship and struggled with the vacuum it left behind?
What helped you move forward without going back?
I’d love to read your experiences in the comments.
With Love,
Ayo
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