Not because I wasn’t intentional.
Not because I didn’t have dreams.
Sometimes, life simply happens.
One of the questions I get asked the most is:
“How do you do everything?”
The truth is… I wasn’t always this version of myself.
I’ve had seasons where I didn’t recognise the woman staring back at me in the mirror.
Today, I want to share two of those seasons and, more importantly, how I found my way back.
Because maybe you’re there too.
Maybe you’ve forgotten who you are beneath the responsibilities, the expectations, or the exhaustion.
If that’s you, I hope this helps.
The First Time I Lost Myself
The first time was after I had my second son.
I went from weighing around 55–60kg to almost 90kg.
It wasn’t because I had “let myself go.”
I was exclusively breastfeeding a baby who wanted milk on demand… all day, every day. I constantly had to eat just to keep up with his appetite.
When he turned six months old, I stood in front of the mirror and asked myself one simple question:
“Is this who I want to remain?”
Losing the weight wasn’t about anyone else.
It wasn’t about my husband.
It wasn’t about looking good for other people.
It was about recognising myself again.
I knew the version of me I felt healthiest and happiest as, and I wanted to get back there.
It wasn’t easy.
With my first son, the weight disappeared fairly quickly.
With my second?
It took almost a year.
Every single day.
10,000 steps.
Sometimes more.
Watching what I eat.
Not eating late.
Showing up even when I didn’t feel like it.
Consistency eventually gave me my body back.
But it didn’t give me, me back.
Then Grief Arrived
Just as I was beginning to recover physically…
My dad died.
Nothing prepares you for losing a parent.
People often think grief looks like crying.
Mine looked like silence.
I became incredibly quiet.
I didn’t want conversations.
I didn’t want attention.
I didn’t want to socialise.
I simply wanted to disappear into the background.
The people I worked with during that season would probably recognise this version of me immediately.
I’d walk into meetings and barely speak.
Even when I had ideas, I kept them to myself.
One day, I walked into work and someone at reception asked,
“Are you here to see someone? You can wait here, and I’ll call them for you.”
I smiled and said,
“I work here.”
That’s how invisible I’d become.
I wasn’t just grieving.
I’d lost my confidence.
I’d lost my voice.
Even Joy Felt Blurry
Finding Myself Again
Looking back now, I realise something.
Finding yourself doesn’t happen in one dramatic moment.
It’s usually a collection of small decisions.
One decision at a time.
For me, the first part was physical.
I regained my health.
Then came purpose.
I started to speak up more at work.
OZ Events slowly started growing.
People loved the parties.
Clients started coming.
That brought tiny pieces of joy back into my life.
But something huge was still missing.
My writing.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you’ll know this already.
Writing isn’t just something I do.
Writing is part of who I am.
And I’d completely lost my pen.
There was no inspiration.
No motivation.
Nothing.
Then one day, I had a conversation.
It wasn’t a particularly long conversation.
But something about it unlocked something inside me.
I picked up my pen again.
I wrote about it.
Then I wrote again.
And again.
Some days I was happy.
Some days I wasn’t.
But I kept showing up.
That was the beginning of finding myself again.
I Started Making Space For Me
Then I asked myself another question.
“What else makes me feel like me?”
Fashion.
So I bought clothes I loved.
Make-up.
So I replaced my makeup.
My nails.
So I started getting them done again.
None of these things was about vanity.
They were reminders.
Every little thing whispered,
“You’re still here.”
“You’re still you.”
“Don’t disappear.”
Slowly…
I recognised myself again.
Why Do We Wait Until Later?
One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that so many women disappear inside their responsibilities.
They become someone’s wife.
Someone’s mum.
Someone’s cook.
Someone’s cleaner.
Someone’s chauffeur.
Someone’s organiser.
And somewhere along the way…
They stop becoming themselves.
Then sometimes a marriage ends.
Suddenly, they start dressing differently.
Travelling.
Starting businesses.
Pursuing dreams.
Smiling again.
And I always wonder…
Why did you wait?
Why did you wait until life forced you to rediscover yourself?
Why couldn’t you have been becoming her all along?
Marriage Shouldn’t Become Your Entire Identity
I’ve heard people proudly say,
“I’m married now.”
As though marriage is the highest achievement a woman can ever reach.
Marriage is beautiful.
But it isn’t your identity.
You don’t stop being gifted because you got married.
You don’t lose your purpose just because you became a wife.
You don’t stop dreaming because you became a mother.
Go and read Proverbs 31 again.
That woman wasn’t sitting around waiting for life to happen to her.
She was building.
Trading.
Planning.
Managing.
Creating.
Providing.
Serving.
Leading.
She built her home, yes.
But she also built much more than that.
Give Yourself Permission
If you’re reading this and you’ve lost yourself…
Be gentle with yourself.
Especially if you’ve recently had a baby.
Especially if you’re grieving.
Especially if life has simply been hard.
But don’t stay there forever.
Choose one thing.
Just one.
Maybe it’s your health.
Maybe it’s your career.
Maybe it’s learning a new skill.
Maybe it’s reading again.
Maybe it’s writing.
Maybe it’s dressing in a way that makes you smile when you see your reflection.
Maybe it’s finally getting your eyebrows done after putting everyone else first.
Start somewhere.
Small steps count.
You Are More Than One Role
For me…
I’m a wife.
I’m a mum.
I’m an electronics engineer.
I’m a business owner.
I’m a writer.
I clean.
I cook.
I help with homework.
I get the children ready for school daily.
I do all those things.
But I also make room for myself.
Because I’ve learnt something important.
The best version of me isn’t the version that sacrifices herself for everyone else.
The best version of me is the one who continues to grow while loving the people around her.
My children deserve that version.
My husband deserves that version.
My colleagues deserve that version.
And most importantly…
I deserve that version.
So if you’ve been waiting for permission to become yourself again…
This is it.
Don’t wait for life to fall apart before you remember who you are.
You are more than someone’s spouse.
More than someone’s parent.
More than someone’s job title.
More than your responsibilities.
You are still you.
Now go and find her.
With Love,
Ayo
⸻
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Don't stay there forever
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly it. Life can knock us down, and it's okay to rest for a while, but I hope we all find the courage to keep moving forward when we are ready.
DeleteYou are a good writers
ReplyDeleteThank you! I’m really glad you enjoyed it. I hope you’ll keep visiting my little corner of the internet. 😊
Delete