There comes a point in life where you find yourself standing at a crossroads.
Do I keep this person in my life…
And if you’re anything like me, this decision is never simple when feelings are involved. History is involved. Care is involved.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
You cannot make clear decisions from emotional noise.
Sometimes, you have to step back… and look at things logically.
Love Is Not Always a Good Enough Reason to Stay
You can love someone deeply…
And still recognise that they are not good for you.
Both things can exist at the same time.
A few days ago, I came across a video from Tems where she spoke about removing herself from relationships even when she genuinely liked the person.
That hit me.
Because I realised… I do the same thing.
Not because I don’t care.
But because I’ve learned to choose what’s healthy over what feels good in the moment.
The Shift: From Emotion to Logic
When I’m faced with a decision like this, I ask myself one simple question:
Is this good for me… or not?
Not:
* Do I like them?
* Do they make me happy sometimes?
* Do we have good moments?
Because let’s be honest, most friendships and relationships have good moments.
But what matters is the full picture.
The patterns.
Pay Attention to Patterns, Not Moments
Anyone can show up well occasionally.
But patterns?
Patterns tell the truth.
* Are you becoming anxious?
* Are you shrinking to be accepted?
* Are your needs constantly unmet?
* Are you behaving in ways that don’t align with who you are?
That’s your signal.
Because one of the biggest red flags isn’t just how someone treats you…
It’s who you are becoming around them.
The Moment I Knew I Had to Walk Away
I remember a recent friendship where everything became clear.
I had another friend, someone I had a healthy, mutual understanding with. We respected each other’s time. No pressure. No anxiety.
Then one day, she didn’t reply to my message.
And I panicked.
Immediately, I paused.
“Where is this coming from?”
Because that reaction wasn’t me.
That’s when I traced it back and realised it was coming from another friendship. One that had slowly conditioned me into anxiety.
That was my answer.
Self-Awareness Will Save You Every Time
One thing about me, I pay attention to myself.
When I start changing, I notice.
And more importantly, I investigate.
Because subtle changes are the most dangerous.
They don’t happen overnight.
They happen quietly… until one day, you don’t recognise yourself anymore.
And that’s why sometimes, even when it hurts…
You have to remove the root.
Let’s Be Honest: Walking Away Is Painful
We don’t talk about this enough.
Walking away from someone you care about is not easy.
You will:
* Miss them
* Question your decision
* Wish things were different
But here’s the truth:
Missing someone is not a reason to keep them.
Comfort is not compatibility.
Connection is not alignment.
Just Because You Get “Something” Doesn’t Mean You Should Stay
Sometimes, the friendship or relationship gives you something:
* Attention
* Companionship
* Temporary happiness
But at what cost?
If it’s costing you your peace, your standards, your identity…
It’s too expensive.
Your Friendship Audit Starts Today
So here’s what I want you to do.
Take a moment. Be honest with yourself.
Ask:
* Who feels safe?
* Who feels draining?
* Who aligns with who I’m becoming?
* Who is quietly pulling me away from myself?
Decide:
Who stays.
Who needs distance.
And who needs to go.
Final Thoughts
The people around you shape you, whether you realise it or not.
Not loudly.
Not instantly.
But subtly.
So protect yourself.
Choose yourself.
And when you find yourself at that crossroads again…
Remember:
You are allowed to walk away from anything that is not good for you, even if you love it.
I really enjoy reading your journal, it’s something that I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to doing it.
ReplyDeleteThis topic is very important annd there’s a lot of good lessons esp on patterns over moments and pausing to ask where your reactions are coming from. That kind of self-awareness can actually strengthen relationships, not just end them.
I also like that you’re not ignoring emotion, just not letting it lead everything… that balance matters.
I guess the only thing I’m curious about is how this plays out over time. Patterns definitely matter, but people also go through phases, and not all patterns are permanent. I wonder how much room there is in that framework for context, communication, or change before deciding something isn’t aligned.
Thank you so much for saying that, I really appreciate it 🤍.
DeleteFor me, I think I naturally give people a lot of room to change. I don’t expect perfection, because I know I’m not perfect either. But one thing that really matters to me is communication. If something hurts me, I’ll say it and when I do, I expect the other person to at least acknowledge that it landed that way for me, even if that wasn’t their intention.
That’s where accountability comes in for me. Being able to say, “I see what I did, and I understand how it affected you.” I feel like when someone can actually name what they did, there’s a level of awareness that makes it less likely to keep happening.
But I also know my limit.
I had a situation with my best friend. We live in different time zones (she’s in Canada, I’m in the UK), so we agreed not to take delayed responses personally. But one day I sent her a message and she didn’t reply, and I noticed myself becoming really anxious.
And that anxiety didn’t come from nowhere. It came from a past friendship where someone would just disappear mid-conversation, and I’d be left overthinking everything, wondering what I did wrong, questioning myself constantly.
So in that moment, I realised something important:
It wasn’t just about one delayed reply anymore. It was about what that pattern was doing to me.
That was my signal to step back.
Because as much as I believe in giving grace and allowing people space to grow, I also believe in protecting my own emotional space. If staying in a situation starts to shape my expectations negatively or makes me anxious in a way that isn’t healthy, then I have to be honest with myself about that.
So for me, there is room for context, communication, and change but only up to the point where it starts affecting my sense of security or creating unhealthy patterns within me.
You can love people, be patient with them, and still choose distance.
And I think that balance between grace and self-protection is something we’re all learning.
I’m actually working on a post about forgiveness vs letting go, which should be out next week. I think it’ll speak even more to this.
Couldn’t agree more. I think you’re right that there’s a fine line between grace and self-erasure, and it’s important to recognise when that line is crossed. One can be gracious, but only to a point…beyond that, it can lead to self-disgrace.
DeleteI’ve actually seen a similar contrast recently in my garden. 2 plants had been placed too closely together, and I started noticing stunted growth in one of them despite several interventions (watering, plant food, etc.). However, once I decided to relocate one of them, there was a sudden and substantial change. After being moved, both plants flourished and blossomed.
Just when I was seriously thinking today about making this kind of decision.... This isn't a coincidence. I pray you also find clarity as you have helped me tonight 🙏
ReplyDeleteAmen, Thank you so much. I’m glad the post helped you find some clarity.
DeleteJust to add a small note, this perspective is mostly for friendships, relationships, and situation-ships. When it comes to marriage, it’s a very different conversation with a lot more layers, commitment, and steps involved.
I just wanted to make that distinction clear.